Mass Effect: Andromeda (PC)

So I’m going to drop way out of my usual tree and actually review a game. Mass Effect: Andromeda, to be precise. A sci-fi game, but still. Not generally my field. I’m reviewing this one because the original Mass Effect trio made for one of my favourite games ever (admittedly the last one had the kind of god-awful SNAFU of an ending that should go down in the history books, but enough people have flamed ME:3’s ending that I don’t need to repeat).

Anyway, even with the ME:3 ending that made me give serious thought to tracking down the developers and introducing their heads repeatedly to a wall while repeating ‘Do NOT fuck up an otherwise awesome series with an ending like that’, I jumped on Mass Effect: Andromeda. You know, just in case they’d pulled their heads outta their asses and gone back to ME:2 levels of awesome.

Having played it through, my answer is a qualified ‘meh’. As you can see, I rated it 3 stars, rather than the 100 out of 5 I’d’ve unhesitatingly awarded ME:2. Why am I being so mean, and who the hell do I think I am to comment, anyway?

First off, I write sci-fi plots. I have for over twenty years, and so I have a solid base of experience to pull on when I say that this plot was weaker than lite beer. There was no character development; the crew comes across as a bunch of teeny-boppers on a road trip compared to the originality and depth of the ME original crews. The dialogue was bloody dull; I’ve never skipped through so much character interaction on a first play through in my life, and the romancing…well, let’s not get started on that, I’d be here all day. High-level overview: they got a ten-year-old American boy to write it. Which is a shame, because someone had clearly put a lot of work into the actual programming since the days of ME:1. Not that there’s actually anyone interesting to shag in the Mass Effect: Andromeda universe: Reyes Vidal is about the only one with any life in the character, and he’s really a walking, talking Hispanic bad-boy stereotype. At least he’s an entertaining one.

So I loathed the crew, the dialogue was insipid, and the plot had weak points you could drive a cruiseliner through. Why did I keep going? Fair question. I guess I enjoyed the original ME so much I hoped Andromeda would miraculously pick its ass off the floor and get back in the fight, and also, the graphics were stunning. If you take Mass Effect: Andromeda to the cleaners on every other point (and you pretty much can) all the inspiration the rest of the game so badly needed ended up in the planet building. Varied, gorgeous, and by and large very solid – I didn’t end up stuck up to my knees in a rock, which made a welcome change from other games that shall remain nameless.

Kedara was my top favourite Mass Effect: Andromeda location – think of Kedara as the Omega station of the Andromeda galaxy, and you’re not too far off. Whoever came up with it had also clearly spent some time in Iceland, or somewhere very similar, so as well as offering the best range of characters who actually, well, had some character, the scenery was great, and not too tortuous to explore (Havarl, to take a totally not-random example, was a right shit to get around in).

In terms of opposition, there isn’t that much variation planet-to-planet. There’s your good mates the kett, in their four basic flavours of Chosen, aka redshirts, Destined (or something) which are redshirts with shields, Anointed, which have armour, and Ascendant, which are multi-level bastards whose main challenge lies in killing their regenerating shield so you can kill them. There are planetary monsters which also don’t vary all that much: some places they’re called adhi, other places challyrion, and if the kett get their paws on them, they’re called wraith and can cloak until shot. Basically, they’re much the same creature, and if you think Komodo dragon crossed with a porcupine you’re not far off. The Remnant bots are very consistent everywhere (logical when you think about it) and none of them are too hard to kill until you come up against destroyers and architects, either of which can repeatedly spoil your day. You’ve also got rogues of all species, called Roekaar if they’re angaran (because double vowels make everything sound more official), and exiles if they’re human, turian, krogan, or asari.

It’s in facing the opposition and gearing up to face the opposition that a major weak point of ME: Andromeda comes to light. You don’t have one convenient location to buy new and exciting ways to introduce people to their next life and another convenient location to decide which armour / weapons you and your team will actually use on a given mission. Oh no. You have merchants – separate ones – for armour, weaponry, car parts, and any other items the space-faring teeny-bopper needs, or you have to scan shit (lots and lots and lots and lots of shit) to accumulate ‘research points’ so you can build and mod instead of buying. Once you’ve got your research points, you have to scroll through a lot of options (over a hundred), research your gun or armour or mod, and then go somewhere new and different to actually build the damn thing. Once built, you go somewhere else AGAIN to equip it – and you can’t select weaponry for your team at all. In fact, short of taking a series of action stills, there’s no way to even find out what your team’s carrying, which makes mission planning rather more hit and miss than any of the previous MEs. Basically, kit is a major pain in the ass. If you have the patience, there are some pretty kick-ass bits of mayhem you can build. My personal favourites were the Dhan shotgun and the Isharray sniper, but then I derive malign enjoyment from a good sniper perch and exploding heads.

And let me not miss the opportunity to bash the bloody, benighted scanner missions. Oh yes. Someone in game design had a serious hard-on for that damn scanner. You have to trace conduits to achieve missions, scan beasties (preferably not when they’re gnawing your face off), and scan everything up to and including email terminals and cots to get your research points. Kill me now.

The other thing you do repeatedly on most stops is drive. Your vehicle is a six-wheeled ATV that’s a step up from your wheels in ME:1, a step down from ME:2 (because, seriously, how do you beat a hovercraft with a super-speed option???), and doesn’t blow up too easy. However, it’s unexpectedly entertaining, because the one part where the Mass Effect: Andromeda team must have gagged and bound their usual dialogue writer and got someone else to write is for the chats between your team mates while spending time with you driving around. Peebee and Jaal are especially awesome for long drives, even if you pay for bringing Jaal along in most serious fights. Never, ever, take Liam anywhere unless you really need the sanctimonious little shit, but Cora and Drack are also surprisingly funny, and Peebee and Vetra have their moments.

And the ending? I felt free to smear the ME:3 ending (along with almost everyone else, BTW), so what of ME: Andromeda? Well, to be honest, the Mass Effect: Andromeda ending was kind of the mwarp-mwarp-mwarp variety. You shoot a metric shit-ton of things you’ve shot a hundred times before, and Tann and Addison promptly do what they do best after snarky comments and road-blocking – make you make the actual decisions. There’s a lot of open plot threads left over, making this ending more of a cliffhanger than anything else. I’m not a big fan of cliff-hangers in books or anywhere else, because, while it makes a certain amount of sense in terms of desperately trying to attract people back for the sequel, a cliff-hanger makes unflattering comment on your ability to write something that will lure them back whether or not the heroine is poised on the precipice in your final scene, and it’s also damn annoying, especially with the persistent rumours going around that the ME:A’s developers’ delicate egos were so bruised by the less-than-flattering reviews that any sequel is likely years out, if it happens at all.

So, overall? I’ll probably play it again, road-test another character type, think longingly of the ME:2 game before the epic fuck-up propagated at the end of ME:3, and then go and play the original ME again for contrast, because I am desperately short of sci-fi games that aren’t just Alien vs Predator ego-shooters. However, overall – this could have been a great game, and spawned another clutch of relatively intelligent, well-plotted sequels. Instead, it flopped like a pregnant pole-vaulter, and the plot and dialogue team have a lot of that shame to wear.

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